March 13th, 2008

Search & Destroy

Race Car in the Red

As I do most mornings, I got my kick-start by downing a Monster Lo-Carb.

Despite this, I was still dragging ass this morning when we left the house.

Naturally, when Eric suggested we stop for a Monster refill I readily agreed.

As we were checking out, the clerks suggested that we try this new product: RedLine. Subtitled "The Ultimate Energy Rush," RedLine comes in a puny 8 oz. bottle. It looked to me like any one of a hundred other "energy" potions I've seen and tasted before. Needless to say, I usually fiund myself disappointed and have in recent months stuck with the tried and true Monster Brand Energy products.

Well the fellow behind the counter mentioned that he tried one the other day and had lasting energy throughout the day so, more out of curiosity than anything, I bought a couple of bottles. One each for E and I.

The bottle is filled with warning labels. Among them:

Caution! Read entire label before drinking.


Do not drink if you're pregnant or nursing.

Do not use if you have or have a family history of: heart disease, thyroid disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, glaucoma, prostate enlargement, difficulty urinating, or seizure disorder.

Do not use if you're taking any prescription medication.

Do not use if you're taking any over-the-counter medication.

Do not use if you are more than 15 pounds overweight.

Always begin with one serving (4 oz. daily to assess tolerance.

Ingredients of RedLine include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Do not taunt RedLine Energy Drink.

I quickly ignored these warnings and had the bottle downed by the time Eric started the car.

Before we left the parking lot... time slowed down. I was watching the world through a tunnel. Objects in the center of the tunnel were tinted blue while objects at the edge - objects that we had already passed - were red-shifted.

When we arrived at work I found that my co-workers had aged 30 years overnight. To combat this, I ran at top speed around the planet. The world turned backwards and time reversed.

I must be careful not to travel at such speeds.

Later, back at work, I sat at my desk and threw my jacket carelessly on my desk, knocking over a stack of about 10 books. I picked them individually out of the air and restacked them before the first one hit the ground.

I felt that I had to share this wondrous discovery with you, my friends. I sat down 22 seconds ago to begin typing this missive. I am now typing at 712 words per minute with 104% accuracy.

Please, try a RedLine, but please do be careful not to break space-time.